Before my husband left on an extended trip outside of the United States, someone asked us the duration of the trip and responded with a casual, “Oh, that will be easy!” I bit my tongue to keep from responding with a tart, “For who?” Of all the ways for a person to respond, that phrase was probably the worst thing to say to a family who is preparing to spend three-plus months apart. In two different countries. On two different continents. To put it mildly, it’s nothing close to easy.
But before my abject shock had time to wear off, I was encouraged and uplifted by a handful of friends with sincere and loving comments in regards to the upcoming deployment. I can only give glory to God for His faithfulness in meeting my needs, in possibly my darkest moment that week. (And giving me the conviction of needing to offer forgiveness in the above story!)
A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.
Proverbs 11:25
Because I tend to be quick to settle in the negative, I wanted to make a specific note about what TO say to someone who is going through something like deployment, or an extended separation. I wholeheartedly believe God brings us through situations so that one day we can share with others, providing hope and encouragement in their lives. I know that this journey that my family is going through is something that others endure, and often need a bunch of extra love during the weeks apart.
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4
Not only do I want to remember the good things people have said, and what to say to others in a similar situation, I also want to share with you what is encouraging to someone going through deployment. (Hint: Don’t say things like, It’ll go by fast, You’ll be fine, Just ___ months?! That’s not too long. These NEVER help!)
Things to Say to a Spouse of a Deployed Person
- I am praying for you and/or thinking about you. This can be in a simple text, a card, even a phone call. Just let the spouse at home know they are thought about. Being the only adult in a home is often lonely, especially if there are young children at home.
- I am coming over to pray for you. A friend recently stopped by my house after sending those exact words via text. We sat on my couch, she listened to how my week was going, and then spent time praying over my husband, my home, my children, me. It blessed my socks off!
- I am dropping off dinner tonight (or one night this week, pick a day!) I know countless families are run by one strong mom, or even a dad, but that doesn’t make single-parenting any easier. This one would be a great thing to do for those single-parent families you know, as well as those who are going through deployment. After taking care of house, kids, animals, possibly work, in our case a blossoming farm, etc… all day long, the last thing that seems possible is making dinner.
- I am on my way to the grocery store, what can I pick up for you and drop off on my way home. As great as my friends are, this one still blew me away. I know all of my friends have so much going on in their own lives, but for them to willingly go out of their way for me just melted my heart.
- Drop your kids off anytime (and they follow through with picking a time if I haven’t asked in a while!) Again, doing things alone means not getting out alone, not having time for “everything,” constantly running to catch up. It is so nice knowing there are several families who are willing to take my kids, invite my kids over, and provide a loving, safe environment for them while they are there.
- I have gone through this personally, or as a child. Here’s how we would….Knowing that others have gone through this type of separation and hearing their stories is such an encouragement. To hear ways they would make the time pass, or fun ways of connecting helps our family as we learn this way of life. A friend who deployed for years while her children were little shared with us that when she first returned home, they would only spend time as an immediate family for a few days to reacclimate. We tried it just after my husband’s 2nd deployment, and it was so great to enjoy that time together, just the 4 of us!
I think what I am most blessed and encouraged by is the specific actions people offer. Of course, so many people tell me to call when I need anything, but sometimes I don’t know what I need or don’t always have the words to say, “Please help.”
Yet, in those moments of dire need, when I have called (because my car breaks down, or a tubey-pipey thing cracks under the hood, or my power goes out, or my living room floods, just to name a few…) and I have had an overwhelming sense of community and love from our friends. I am so thankful to have been put in this community of loving, caring individuals!
Of course, my list isn’t all that you can say. I am just sharing the things that have been said to me and were the most encouraging. (And, I may have forgotten a few over the years!) What it boils down to is just share love with those going through big change. Try to jump in their shoes for a bit and think of how you would feel in a similar situation. And, never minimize their feelings just to hurry on to your own conversational agenda.
